You could hear the hoof beats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street
His badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Linley Lane
At number twenty two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there
Three times every week
They called him Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said alright sweetheart
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He said you wanted pasturised
Coz pasturised is best
She says Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest
And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie had a rival
An evil looking man
Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at his macaroon
And he said now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls evry morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer
Was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from of his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart
And he didn't half kick his horse
Who's name was Trigger (Trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street
His goldtop in his hand
He said if you want to marry Susie
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh why don't we play cards for her
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side
Now Ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face
And Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was to quick
Things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured youghurt
Sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she ran between them
And tried to keep them apart
And Ernie pushed her aside
And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise
As the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that milkround in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are manifold
And Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernie's ghostly goldtops a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west
"Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)" is an innuendo-laden comedy or novelty song, written and performed by the English comedian Benny Hill. The song was first performed on television in 1970, and released as a successful recording, topping the UK Singles Chart in 1971, reaching the Christmas number one spot.
The lyric's story line is inspired by Hill's early experience as a milkman for Hann's Dairies in Eastleigh, Hampshire. Market Street mentioned in the lyrics is an actual road in Eastleigh. The song tells the fictional exploits of Ernie Price, a 52-year-old (68 in the original TV version) milkman who drives a horse-drawn milk cart. It relates his war with the bread-delivery man (two-ton Ted from Teddington) and their efforts to win the heart of Sue, a widow who lives on her own at number 22, Linley Lane.
In the end the two men fight with the wares they carry on their carts, and Ernie is killed by a rock cake underneath his heart followed by a stale pork pie in his eye (a fresh meat pie in the original TV version).
Sue and Ted then marry, but Ernie's ghost returns to haunt them on their wedding night.
"Ernie" was originally written in 1955 as the introduction to an unfilmed screenplay about Hill's milkman experiences.
In 1966, Frank Gallop had a U.S. hit with "The Ballad of Irving", which had the same melody and a similar metre. "The Ballad of Irving" was itself inspired by Lorne Green's song "Ringo" from 1964, which had the same style and structure.
Hill performed the song on The Benny Hill Show in 1970. The original clip is seldom repeated as it was made in black and white owing to a technicians' strike, but the episode has been released on DVD on both sides of the Atlantic.
In the original TV broadcast version, as part of the song's comedy plot, Benny incorrectly sings the name "Ernie" several times as: "Hernie", to which the backing singers would correct him by strongly replying the name as: "Ernie!". To this, Benny would then pull an embarrassed/annoyed face. This comedy plot was concluded at the end of the song when Benny, pulling a mischievous face, sang a final: "Hernie!". On the record release, only the final: "Hernie!" is heard.
The following year, it was included with minor lyrical revisions on Hill's album Words and Music. When it was released as a single on EMI's Columbia label, it became a surprise number-one hit, topping the UK singles chart for four weeks at Christmas 1971. A promotional film was shot starring Hill as Ernie, Henry McGee as Ted, and Jan Butlin as Sue.
Hill re-recorded the song shortly before his death in 1992 for the album Benny Hill... The Best Of.
On Desert Island Discs in May 2006, Conservative Party leader David Cameron picked it as one of his eight favourite records.
Ernie was referenced in the Superhero segment of one episode of BBC TV's Basil's Swap Shop, with an Ernie lookalike appearing at the superhero's flat, only to be told that speedy delivery of milk was not a super-power.